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so much whirlwinding all around me, i feel like im in a tunnel. right now, the time is slow, on pause. in between phases or cycles. the symbol of the hoop- its all one unit, and to remember what you push around will come back to you. its amazing and everything is very lovely but its all a balance, too. the way i put myself into these high octave scenarios, high energy go go go no sleep- and then crash afterward. retreat into a cave, where i am now, spending time alone- not really doing much of anything it seems- but i know i am doing a lot. its a strange place. the waiting room. the airport. i love it all, too. to these places i always bring a book. i am never caught waiting around. life is all waiting if you do. its part of the process.
so much is happening all at once, it is overwhelming- throwing me for a loop. i know my life is about to change in an irreversible way. its liberating and mildly frightening. making peace with my house. floating underwater, the meditation there. the sunshine, checking on the plant boxes and how they are growing, too. i am entering a totally new phase. this year has already brought so much change, and it's all good. changing the way i view my relationship- with myself and the other, shifting group of friends as i move toward my future, graduating school and the amazingness and also frightening feeling of whats next, quitting my job and finishing my internship at once, and taking the bold move to just free float. working comic- con- again in the high energy whirlwind for 3 days that feel like a week. meeting new people. the re-inspiration of the hoop, preparing for burning man. my adorable rabbits. the ocean. eating a hamburger for the first time in probably a decade. and it being delicious. doing art again. crafting. witnessing a brotherhood of childhood friends greet a homecomer- and being happy to leave the bar scene to go back home with the boy, walking along the 101, cute dresses, being a savvy shopper and saving up all my coupons for this bout of unemployment. selling clothes and earning it back. herbs again. a week of solid cooking! reggae fest, the races (and getting so over that, too!), riding the coaster downtown- the beauty of the california coast. helping my mom to get around with her broken ankle. sleeping in! the 4th of july cleaning up and setting up the critter condo, watching fireworks on the drive by. portal 2, my computer deciding to glitch up. king of thrones. demetri martin. setting up cable again for shark week. the identity of the day tripper, the night wanderer. me as an adventurer as my mission. to discover and share. traveling. being a traveler/explorer in my own city. practice. the appearance of the teal boots. the adult swim pillow sailing the leopard print sea. The 8 mile "lose yourself" to the hamster wheel dance. making bracelets, finding aquamarine in julian, tiger's eye and DIY. a lovely day in the park, pic-nicing and watching children be children. the sudden appearance of whole foods and its paradigm shift of the 101. bumping into tommy leuker at e-st and watching the unraveling of his rational mind, doll heads in the garden, muggy days, thunderheads, overusing my laptop in bed! the silly doodle book that got lost, missing the last harry potter movie, that being okay, laurin in china, work drama even after i quit (good thing i did!), ocean beach, underwater pictures, WORDS with friends! relearning how to sew, climbing a tower to drink expensive tequila and try not to fall out,

dont fall off. keep going. keep visualizing. the kinesthetic- feel the art move through me- the act of drawing or painting- feeling my body go into the work- dancing, surfing- working it out!

the idea of task rabbit. make it happen. dream it up. draw it up. my struggle with time-spatial organization and correspondence and cohesion- work on that. get sunshine and exercise and i stay happy!

totem

totem animals. makes me think.

Apr. 27th, 2010

das dicke ende kommt noch

Jul. 29th, 2009

i heard there was a secret chord
that david played and it pleased the lord
but you don't really care for music, do you
well it goes like this the fourth, the fifth
the minor fall and the major lift
the baffled king composing hallelujah

hallelujah...

well your faith was strong but you needed proof
you saw her bathing on the roof
her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
she tied you to her kitchen chair
she broke your throne and she cut your hair
and from your lips she drew the hallelujah

hallelujah...

baby i've been here before
i've seen this room and i've walked this floor
i used to live alone before i knew you
i've seen your flag on the marble arch
but love is not a victory march
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

hallelujah...

well there was a time when you let me know
what's really going on below
but now you never show that to me do you
but remember when i moved in you
and the holy dove was moving too
and every breath we drew was hallelujah

well, maybe there's a god above
but all i've ever learned from love
was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
it's not a cry that you hear at night
it's not somebody who's seen the light
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

hallelujah...

cut up from "lightning crashes" by live

her intentions fall to the floor
the angel closes her eyes
the confusion that was hers

like a rollin' thunder chasing the wind
forces pullin' from the center of the earth again
I can feel it.

Apr. 17th, 2008

For I have sworn thee fair, and thought thee bright,
Who art as black as hell, as dark as night.

Mar. 30th, 2008

can't shake the feeling

its completely primal
wrenching
making me sick
twisted
bottom out
and bottoms up

the primordial poet
sucker punching you
over and over


sleeping now is such a sacred thing. ritualistic simulations of the time before existence. peaceful yet prodding. soon your time is up. soon your time is here.

ready or not.

....still my heart beats so slow

so slowly

slow breathing
slow thinking
slow feeling

curl up and shut it down
drying in the sun on this sandy shoal
uncurling again with the phases
of the moon
and the worship
of the sun

the water reclaims you
infiltrates your soul
swept away
here it is again

its so hard to explain.
the nature of being.
just as it is.
and as it was.
and will be.

take it slowly,
but fully
and entirely
breathe it in
this thick salty air
to rasp your lungs
and heal the wounds
a constant sting
to let you know
its working


sleeping in the ship's sails
climb down again
to the horizon
sink into its liquid
confrontation

et tu brute?

i sold you and you sold me under the spreading chestnut tree.

im pretty sure theres a rottenness in all of us


the pit to every peach


to betray the betrayer
better yet
than to get even


love.



and im going to do it like a fierce son of a bitch.